Ending the Old & Beginning the New

Woosh!
Time went by WAY too fast.. Since the countdown can't be postponed, i guess the countdown should start anyways :)
its almost 9 o'clock in the evening as I'm writing this. I'm kind of in a hurry, but i feel like looking back on my life anyways, now that 2010 hasnt begun yet.

2009 was.... a dumb year for me :) made quite some mistakes! hehe and if i could, i would change all of them. I'd do things differently, cuz i really do regret a lot of the decisions i made. but i can't change anything thats in the past now, and so i hope i can make the most out of my mistakes anyway..
2010 will be better, i'll try and be a better person than i am today. im not sure how, but i will.. I gotta make something out of my life! 2010 will definitely be a challenge for me.. Its the end of the first deccenium of the second millenium.. (got that? yea? cool! :))
Its also the beginning of the second deccenium of my life! Which means.. i have got to start getting busy with my 'to-do-before-i-turn-20' list! Though it's not even close to completion yet, I'm looking forward to doing all those things!
Eeks! fun, good, amazing, and interesting experiences to come!

Anyways! have a blasting entrance into 2010 and stay safe! Be careful with the fireworks.. I'd like to shake your hand with all 5 fingers attached when i meet you ;)
eat well and drink champagne!! See ya next year, beijão!

merry christmas...

sometimes, you just have to bury your feelings away. they're not appropriate, not convenient, not like you, not the way others want you to be.
people should live up to other people's expectations right? do what they want you to do, and dont say no.

..to a certain extent. you still have to give people their freedom and space.. just give me space.. by smothering someone, they'll just want to run away from you instead of staying with you.

But in the end its always the same. You take a deep breath, slowly count to 10 and then throw a pile of sand over your feelings...

sketchyyy =/

if a stranger asks you "hey. wanna come chill in my hotel room in the middle of the night?"

People.. you say NO!

i'm asking now.

I only ask for the things i really really want. I'm reluctant to ask for something i dont need or want badly. So the times i do get turned down, i feel absolutely crushed.

It drives me crazy to feel so small in my life. so dependant and powerless and helpless..  but if i'd try to change that, change my lifestyle, i'd be anguished by the fact that i'm leaving my family behind.. would i come across as selfish? i just know i wouldnt be able to walk that fine line where you have everything in balance..
On the other hand, if i'd try to stay here, lay low forever, i'd be forcing myself to live in anguish as well, by the smothering routines of living and working in a small village 24/7.

what the hell happened to my dreams of going abroad. its been 3years since highschool and i've still achieved nothing. i havent even studied abroad yet, havent done anything proper. no suave diplomas i can show off, no job, no achievements.
its easy to dream.. making them come true is an entirely different story!

and if i'd leave this place, where would I go? and what would i do...

Impossible Highway-flirting

what happened today..

i was driving on the highway from Rotterdam back to Wouw around 1am. and i tried to overtake a white bmw 3series (the older version)
I unsuspectingly drove past him and then ahead of him. but then he suddenly decided: "hey, i dont want you driving in front of me!" And so he overtakes me again! So im like. euhh whatever. But he stayed on the left lane, driving right beside me, kinda blocking me from moving to the left lane.. So i looked over of course, like "yo, whats up".
And as i looked over, this guy (decent looking asian, possibly chinese, early 20's) looks right back at me, smiling 0_0 haha.
So.. akward as i am, i just kept driving, not thinking much of it and tried not to look directly at him again. Embarrassed. xD I caught myself still ocassionally sneeking a peak to my left though, to see if he was still looking!

sooo, im like "screw it, im gonna go ahead and speed up a bit." and as i sped up, he sped up as well, but he kept staying on my left, prohibiting me from overtaking him legally! Is he trying to play like a game?? so i thought "sure, i'll play your little game." And so I sped up a bit, just enough to drive in front of him again, and kept speeding up to STAY ahead of him. But again he came from behind me and returned to his previous position: on my left! arrr

There we were at 1am, in the middle of the night, driving with 130 km/h on a highway where ur supposed to go 100. we went through a tunnel. he was on the left lane, i was on the right. Ahead of me was a law-abiding (yes i mean slow) driver, so i let the white bmw-dude pass first and then i too moved to the left lane, going 130 km/h again.
And as we flew out of that tunnel, he turned on his lights, signalling he's going to take the exit to Dordrecht, while my route was to keep straight ahead. So he took his exit, moved to the righter lane, and i sped up to drive on HIS left side now, and i looked over. Just to have one last look.
Very boyishly he had his right hand on the wheel, his left arm casually leaning on his door and his hand charmingly supporting his chin while he looked directly at me, and grinned.

and I grinned back.

bye stranger.. I dont think we'll ever meet again..

Charity Karma and God

I get so upset over that chinese self-centeredness. the egoistic ways they have. The "why the fuck would you help him/her?? they're not family. you dont even know them" kind of reaction when you sometimes try to help out the needy. whether it be directly or indirectly (eg: giving a street-musician spare change or making donations to a good cause).
ohh even worse is when you show love and compassion for africa. hahah racist bastards..

but ok. i get that they wanna be careful with spending their well-deserved money. Chinese people work HARD as hell!
But even the little things like helping out a friend though (effort-related. not money-related) I know i suck at drawing a line for myself -setting a boundry, when I or someone else has crossed a line of some sort.. But its never wrong to help out a friend is it? even if you do it a little bit too often. At least nothing bad can come from it. I dont see anything wrong with occasionally putting the wants and needs of someone close above your own..

Mind your karma. and just pretend that God's watching over your shoulder. If you should die (and in the unlikeliness of His existance actually being real), lucky you earned yourself a one-way ticket into heaven.

and if He's not up there.. well, at least you brought some people happiness AND got a good nights rest out of it..
so who cares. just make that extra little effort already!

btw. I gave some spare change to a street musician today in Antwerp. He played the violin flawlessly (as far as i could tell that is)! So i walked over. and as soon as i put down the money in the violin-bag-thingy, he stopped playing :o and offered me a piece of chocolate! awww
See?? Good karma! Give a little, receive a lot: enjoy the good music+make a man happy+get a free piece of chocolate!! yeehaww


 ohh and just to keep things clear: of course not ALL chinese people are how i just described them! i have no hate :p all is good. there's good and bad people in every country, culture and family..

midnight memory lane

When i was little, my dad once took me to a music-store. (the kind that sells instruments, not the kind that sells actual music..)
My dad used to play a little bit of guitar too, or so he claims. i do remember us having a guitar in the attic.. Our attic was a place to chill and play etc. we could make all the noise we wanted, jumping up and down all we wanted because the restaurant was 2 stories down anyways. No way we could  bother the customers. There used to be a guitar there, but i think it got broken, by.. someone.. perhaps it was me, but im not sure.. ohwell. no one knows :-#

anyways. back to the music store(y)..
i dont remember much of it. Just that, when we were walking towards the exit, we also walked past the guitar-section. There was -as there is always- a guy sitting on a stool, playing around on a random guitar.. And apparently i stood still to watch him or something. cuz he looked back at me, and i think he wanted to give me his guitar pick.. Since I have always been way too shy around people i dont know, i of course shook my head -i think a big part of me also didnt understand what he meant when he held out his pick to me, haha. poor guy.. im sorry for being weird even though you tried reaching out for me :P

are you left thinking 'what the hell is the bottomline of this oh so intriguing story???'

yea.. join the club.

new blog new posts same idea (?)

Alrightyyy

so lets give this new blog a fresh positive vibe which i know i cant keep up!
i copied all (/most of) my logs from fotolog .com into this blogspot, just.. you know.. for my own administration? (as far as my need for administration goes..lol)

There isnt anything interesting at the moment. Still thinking about how to give this blog a distinguishing twist of my own. Not in the mood to have self-analysing/self-help/self-pitying/therapy sessions with myself anymore :p
"Yes, that IS what most of my previous blogs were about." Just me hopelessly talking to myself -okay, im still doing that but shut up, this is different!
so unless you already have, please, dont bother reading any of the previous entries~

music. food. travelling. and books. with a careful pinch of future plans.

that'll be my recipe. probably. we'll see how things roll_

i tried to climb my way up, avoiding all those dangerous little loose rocks.

but i cant believe im pretty much back at where i was a couple of years ago:




*after-edit deletion*


(on a sidenote: i felt safe posting on fotolog cuz no one im scared of will read this. just the people i trust, and maybe some people i dont even know, who accidentally stumbled upon this page? if thats even possible.. Also, about a year ago, i had a phase where i would write huge personal notes, and i'd save them some place 'undercover' on my computer.. i still have that but since im the only one reading them, i dont feel like i've actually gotten anything off my chest.. hence.. fotolog. i write and upload, without knowing who actually reads it. inside anxiously hoping no one who might use this against me, will read this though. But at least i can get things off my chest there. self-therapy? now there's a word that'll make me seem crazy and lonely.)

birthdays and thoughts?

ahhh what will it take for me to go to portugal..!

the past few years i keep thinking to myself that i should be humble and not ask for anything when my birthday arrives..
but every year i seem to find something that i really really really want, and i cling onto that until my birthday so that i hope to get it from my family instead of having to buy it myself! kinda selfish, and i wish i could be humble and not be so selfish in asking for these presents in the first place... but i dunno.. there are certain things that i just really want.. and perhaps its always just an infatuation.. most of the time the feeling and urge of wanting something SO much will pass eventually, after time..

2 years ago i think, it was a Samsung T9 mp3 player with 4 gb flash memory, and bluetooth.. i was so caught up with it because it looked really nice (in my opinion!) and because it had the bluetooth feature which meant i could basically connect it to my phone and pretty much turn my mp3 into a mobile phone: i could use the built-in microphone in my mp3 to talk and have my (bluetooth) headphones to listen!
i actually did get it for my birthday.. ironically i still havent got around to actually use the bluetooth-feature properly though..

last year for my birthday i just got into my guitar-playing craze becuz of Ana Free.. and i wanted that epiphone j-200 guitar so badly! and my parents knew that cuz i had been asking them whether i could get that one.... -.- i asked for the dark-coloured one, but got the natural-coloured one instead.. ohwell...i didnt mind that much cuz i actually got the guitar! which was amazing to me!
and now,, my guitar playing has improved, but not as much as i would've liked.. i could be so much better if i had taken the time to actually meet up with my friend who was more than willing to give me some guitar lessons! and lately, my brother is completely hogging up my guitar, and he keeps tuning it half a step down and annoying the crap outta me with it! but i dont really show my annoyances to him 100%.. and now he just takes my guitar out of my room, into his, and keeps it there to play whenever he wants :S worst part of it is that he doesnt even treat it decently! he lays it on the ground which i think is so terrible... i really try my best to treat my guitar as carefully as possible.. i've (almost!) never bumped it into anything.. i never lay in on the ground (even when i do, i always lay something soft under it for protection, i always try to keep it clean, and i take the capo off whenever i'm not playing, and things like that..
he does ..NONE of these things. okay he does put something soft like a pillow under the guitar, but it still annoys the hell out of me, cuz i dont think he even knows how to treat it properly.... blugh,, anyways..

so my birthday-wish for this year would be to get to go to portugal for like a week or something... but i really feel bad asking for this gift though :s cuz my birthday gifts keep getting more and more expensive, and i should stop.. so i was thinking that i'll fund my own trip. pay for everything myself. or at least the major part of it.. but im not sure if i'll actually go through with my plan though.. if i do, i should probably find a part-time job somewhere, which i cant really do since ive been working at our own restaurant all the time... :/



mmm on a completely different note (this will be such a long post... but no one will read it anyways.... :P),,
have u ever stopped and think what others might think of you? i recently had one of those days where i thought about these things. It gets me so self-conscious, cuz i really do know that i have several big flaws, and probably a lot more of which i dont even know of (annoying things im not unaware of doing). a lot of aspects of me are.. i dunno.
unless someone is really open, most people would just think im weird probably
and a big part of me is trying to say to myself 'so what!' and just ignore the outside-world. but saying that to myself wont change the outside-view of ME. whether u accept urself the way u are or not.. the negative thoughts of the people surrounding you, still remain the same.. doesnt really matter then, now does it?

...and with that depressing thought, i leave you. to finally go to bed so i can spend another not-going-to-school-day tomorrow!

just because...

because when people dont know about it, they cant take it away from you either

because when im on my computer and i chat with some nice people on msn, i instantly forget i was feeling angry or upset

because deep down i WANT to do things,, but my mind says no and afterwards i regret that i didnt do those things that could've made the situation even more fun than it already was..

because im actually starting to believe that (some!) boys (mentally) really are that much different from girls! 0_0

because even though im content with walking, everyone else wants me to run

because i cant take myself less serious, if everyone around me IS take me seriously

because 2 is always better than 1

because two plus two is five

and because birds can fly

and the sky is pretty when it's orange or purple

[yes im running out of inspiration... i really just wrote this because of the first 2 "becauses" or so]

[allmypictureskindalookthesamedontthey??]

I know good things never last. We'll both never intentionally quit on our friendship, but i know it might fade out someday.. But when it does, i know i can look back on the good times we had. Times of no stress, no pressure and complete relaxment. I can be the person i really truly am on the inside with you: calm and down-to-earth.. also lazy and always late, and sometimes so energetic that you can barely keep up with me..
U can always come to me for talks or just for passing time or whatever. You can tell me our worries, thoughts, ideas, plans, questions and observations. You can challenge me with anything and i promise i'll try to keep up with you the best i can.
I know i might not be the perfect 'best friend' cuz we dont really share a mutual friends-group.. I know you try to introduce me, but I close up around strangers and whatever.. I dunno. I'm still reluctant in doing social activities a bit. But i'll come out of my shell some day? and i hope that you'll still be there.

And we'll still do all the traveling someday. Maybe this summer. We could travel with a bunch of people. Everyone i promised to travel with. All at once. Might be fun and interesting..

I dont know what else to write about atm.. lots of nice positive energy in me, but cant transform that energy into feelings and the feelings into words.

Listening to John Mayer - Free Fallin' over and over and over again in the train while writing this note..
I'm all mellow inside.. lol :)

Lifeisnotamovie

The romantic movies where people offer their help and be kind and just have a random chat with the foreigners and getting to know eathother.. Wouldnt it be so awesome if u could be that helping someone to a confused, lost and alone tourist? Or just TO BE that confused, lost and alone tourist and someone else really kindly offers u to help u out and guide you and go with u. wouldnt that be such an amazing experience?

There was a guy in the train the other day, perhaps from America, making a tour through Europe i think.. and wanting to go to Luxembourgh and Berlin by train. When he asked the train conductor for help and directions, he had to find out that there WERE no direct trains to Berlin (there used to be though..)
And if he wanted to reach Luxembourgh by tonight, he could take the train which only takes 3h to arrive at luxembourgh apparently. I assume that he's going to berlin via luxembourgh.. Anyways, it was apparently quite complicated and i just felt bad for him and felt like joining him and just accompany him on his journey. I wanted to be that helping person for that guy,, it might sound random and lame,, but i think it could've been nice? But naturally im way too chicken to offer my help to a complete stranger. No matter how badly i want it.. nonetheless, it would've been.. it couldve been so good.. for both of us i think, cuz im just bored, and wanting to do something fun and impulsive. and he wants to see europe i assume? what better way than MEETING someone from Europe?
(i know it wouldve been so insanely awesome if i met someone portuguese when i was visiting portugal.. i kinda did, indirectly - mica, but thats not the same :P cuz we didnt really get to know eachother until after i was back in NL ;))
[everyone probably thinks about "that foreign stranger" sometimes,,?]

anyway, opportunity is already lost anyways, since im not in that train anymore. So it doesnt really matter anyways. Plus, i had some other excuses like having to work that night, because my mom was in china while there was a big reservation.. so.. =/ yea

anyways. i think the feeling is also being encourages because of reading Night Train to Lisbon.. i'm reading so many recognisable things in that book.. its a good book :) bit difficult to read through maybe.. (it took me like half a year or more even, to finish the book Jane Eyre.. :P its not that i didnt like the book. i really like the ending. but there's a big part in the middle of the book that was just really really really boring to read after a while. i dunno :P it took me really long to do that, cuz i was always to lazy or falling asleep when reading it. [i read in bed before i sleep])

but yea. lots of nice interesting and recognisable things i read in Night Train to Lisbon.. i take pictures of every memorisable passage in that book, and im hoping to upload a few of those as well as a sort of introduction to the post i'll be talking about xD

ehh,, nothing else.. i'll save it for a next post. though fotolog is starting to annoy me a little bit now about the fact that im forced to uplaod a picture with every log..
so im kinda considering writing notes on facebook instead of on here. but im kinda scared, cuz i dont feel like showing everyone of my friends on there what i write.....
mmm.....

what makes u smart?
That you've had a good education and you're in possession of a good diploma? or that you have no diploma, but instead, you've only let internet educate you? or is it the fact that you've been educated by life. Experienced things that are strong enough to change your perspective on certain things.
the fact that you read a lot of books and thus know how to talk properly and understand a lot of difficult words?
are u smart if you know how to talk to a person and say the right things? to be a good socializer and improviser and smooth-talk your way into things?
what makes u smart? if you really are smart, would you SAY that you're smart? wouldn't you rather be humble instead? because, are you really actually smart if you just SAY you are? or would u just be pretending to be smart, when you're actually not that smart at all.. would u try to talk yourself up, or just be honest with urself?

im not saying im smart (cuz im really not that smart..). but im a humble person, so even if i were really talented in something (unfortunately, im not) i wouldn't go about telling every stranger i know.. i wouldnt even tell the not-strangers that im talented in something. let them find out for themselves, cuz the reward is so much greater and their amazement is so much more intense.



what makes u a man/woman/an adult?
are real men big, muscular and strong?
can real men be little, innocent and weak as well?
do clothes make the man? or does having a good income, an own place and financial independancy make a man? or are u a man when you're a responsible human being that takes nothing for granted..
are you a man if you make sacrifices for the ones you love, without telling them? are u a man when you lost your virginity? are you a man if you're 18+? are u a man if you know how to talk to and take care of a woman? if you're able to fight your needs, and to fight your own desires? to take things you dont want to take and to put up with things you dont want to put up with. To confront someone head-on and not be scared of anything?
are you a man if you refer to yourself as a man?? are you a man if you dont know how to make decisions on your own? what gets u there?

same goes for women though..
isnt your first visual thought of a woman someone that's so perfectly shaped, behaves lady-like, wears make-up, high heals and fancy clothing? is groomed in every single way and is lady-like to the very bone? the type of people that consider the outside to be more important than the inside.
But would you consider a 17year old girl a woman as well, when she's been through so much in her life, that she has to take care of a little kid-brother by responsibly taking on a full-time job as a waitress and a mother as well?
what if there's a 30 year old lady, living off of her parents and depending on them to feed her and give her money.. is she still considered a woman?

i dunno,, im just bored and started thinking about things.. i dont even have a decent picture for this i think.. mmm... =/

well, this picture is a bit bright compared to the log i just wrote xD but anyways.. picture was taken today in our backyard.. we have a little pond which has a pretty darn cool design. and since a week or something, i've noticed a yellow water plant that's really bright in colour.. so i decided to take some macro pictures of those :D

sunset rotterdam

not quite in the mood to upload another fotolog-post, but eh.. well.. anyways.. it'll keep me busy :P

picture right here has something,. If you'd go abroad and find a view like this somewhere, wouldn't you want to just lie on a hammock or lie on the beach or something, and just enjoy the view from there? Preferably someone special laying beside you of course :)
Lying there,, enjoying the nice sunset and all that.. no worries, no pressure,, the good life ;)

taking this picture made me start thinking about traveling again.. and not one of those 1day-trips like London or Milan or Barcelona etc.. just a few days is enough.. a week would be perfect. but longer would probably be out of the question.. :( as much as i'd like to, being gone over a week would probably be unacceptable for my parents and everyone else.


i dunno what else to write now.. cant really focus xD im uploading this from the computers at uni cuz i broke the charger to my laptop (my dad's going to be upset :P). and so my laptop died last night, and i cant recharge it anymore until i get back home to Wouw. i have another charger there which i apparently bought JUST in time =)

i should stop typing now, cuz im starting to rantttt
so: thumbs up, and peace out~

This book will save your life - A.M. Homes

see the doughnuts on the cover?
and that girl, thinking about doughnuts..
thats exactly how i felt when reading the book..

its a good book :D if you have the time, go ahead and read it!!
(dont worry, its not about doughnuts)

This book got me into my brand-new frenzy btw! my obsession with doughnuts :) that'll be my new project. lol
i dont care how long it takes me.. im gonna figure out the dealio with the yeast and fermenting time etc..
and i will make the doughnuts!! i will i will i will
(i wont make the 'yes i can' joke.. its getting old.. :p)

mmm i made a first batch yesterday.. didnt turn out as well as i hoped :( the dough was all wrong.. it was fun making the doughnut-shapes though ^^ my lil brother helped, and we made doughnut-hearts and stars and balls etc :P
but the texture wasnt right.. maybe i try a different strategy (yeast-doughnut/cake-doughnut).. not sure yet which one is better
or maybe i should've added more vegetable oil.. or butter..?? pff i dont know the first thing about baking bread.. maybe i should learn the basics first :S
i'll do that later.. when i have time.

i dont know if there's a copyright on this picture btw :S prolly not, but i feel bad cuz i stole it from someone on flickr.com xD

what else what else.. nothing i guess =/
well.. there's always more i guess, but nothing thats related to this picture so i'll save it for another time (if i dont forgot)

lalalalaaaaaa~
donut eyes O.O

hehe

its the little things

I like how the little things in life can change your mood, or even your entire day..

A stranger on the street giving you a sweet smile.
Someone on the train passing you a kind look.
Bumping into someone and just saying hi.
The till-lady (if thats what its called) being nice to you.
The way someone can pronounce your name.. or just the fact alone that someone thinks of you enough to just mention your name!

Anything.. a look, a smile, a wink (i love winks.. they make me go mellow inside :P).

Its the little things that dont seem important at first, and are just the normal routine things for someone else. But in the end, these are the things that determine my mood and determine my day..

is it always THIS sunny in September??

..would you look at how bright that is :) aww
I did not take many pictures in Lisbon.. but the ones I did take show how beautiful the weather was! I dont look at those pictures often, cuz I'll just find myself wanting to go back so badly, i just want to go to ryanair, and book a flight asap.

February-trip to Portugal is off.. March trip to Portugal is off.. maybe i should be more certain that I have TIME to go, before planning the trip =/

mmm.. next try will be April.. and if that wont work, i'll have to wait till July or something :( and then, no more postponing.. i swear i WILL go!!!! -.-

hmm what else did i wanna mention... =/
something about me being a hypocrit.. and a bunch of other stuff about me...
speaking of which, am i self-centered? 0_0 errr....
i dunno. i know a bunch of stuff about myself which are negative.. but i cant find anything really positive about myself :S nor can i find something in which i'm pretty good/really good... =/ isn't it about time to know what talents i do or do not have? i honestly still have no clue. no talent whatsoever... sure i have hobbies, but i dont really excell in any of those things.. just pretty mediocre..
the International Business and Management Studies, i follow now..? i'd say my level of talent in that one, overall, is BELOW mediocre even.. a lot of things dont even interest me at all... like the modules Logistics, Research Methods, Finance, etc.. and as for the modules i AM interested in, i suck pretty badly at Economics, Organisational Behaviour, Marketing, etc.. i dunno.. maybe its just too much theory that we have to study.. to much reading.. i think i'd be much more able to memorize things when there are enthusiastic lecturers teaching us.. the teachers we have now.. they're boring. gosh..

but eh.. that's not what i wanted to talk about :S
something about valentine's day? nope, there's nothing to tell really..

..i'll go to bed now and try to finish this tomorrow..
ohyea. i'm going to apply at a fitness-club i think xD gotta work on my health. bwaha, i exercise waaaayyyyy too little these days! i used to ride my bike 15km per schoolday (about 7km to school, and 7km back). at least that was SOME exercise. all i do now, at MOST, is walk alot in town.... :S and i take the trams to uni... hmm. so yea! only solution i guess, is a fitness-club :P

*ok bed now.
i always forget whats on my mind :S kinda annoying sometimes, having a memory like a.. like a... eh.. having a memory like..... i dunno.. something that leaks...? =/

everytime when i finish typing here, i look at what picture i'm uploading with it, and i'm like ohyea... O.o i totally forgot about that.......?

...eh
..random..
..and lame.
..=/ *stops now*
.bla.

i'll continue to travel.
i'll be reluctant to come back home.
i'll stay out more often.
i'll use up my money.
i'll drop out of school.
i'll waste my life.
i'll throw it all away.

what the eff would they do.. whadda they want from me..

just watch me...

i'd leave this place now if i could

A: MAN airport; B: Manchester; C: Newton-Le-Willows; D: Leigh

Ugh, cant believe i forgot to mention the whole reason i uploaded the pervious post.. I just wanted to share what random things i brought back from Manchester.. Cuz I always bring back random stuff from places I've been to. i'll bring back anything :)

Ok. I have a bottle of water of course! actually.. i brought back 2. I always taste the bottled mineral water in foreign countries.. just to see where it has the best mineral water :P i like water, lol
For your information, Portugal definitely has the best water I've everdrunk so far ^^ Luso and eh.. another brand.. cant remember the name :(
Anyways, number two on my water-list is the Dutch Spa.. very nice :D so much better than Evian, or.. or omg, disgusting Vitell!! ewww.. vitell is gross. i wouldn't buy that even if i was thirsty as hell! it makes me nauseous.

Anyways. yea. 2 bottles of water. 2 plastic bags :P (Waterstones and eh, Currys? :S). I have a newspaper (Manchester evening news), I bought the book Addition [Toni Jordan] in Manchester, and also Mathilda [Roald Dahl] for my lil sister and for my lil brother some book called '100 Things you should know; and ssome you shouldn't' (or SOMETHING along those lines.. i dunno)
Ehm, I have my boardingpasses of course :) some leaflet kinda thingy from Arndale. A train ticket. what else what else..
Ahh the candy!! Rowntrees :) I bought like 6 eh. things.. rolls?? apparently way too little, cuz we already finished it pretty quickly.. :(
ahwell.. and ohyea. all the receipts of the things i bought as well :) (which wasnt much though..) didn't go out much, but anyways..

On a different note.. God I love how some people pronounce my name! pfff.. "Claaaaaaudiaaa"!! (imagine the Italian pronounciation.. only from a frenchman :P lol)
And i should really find out when u give someone 2 or 3 kisses on the cheek, when greeting eachother.. I've messed up like 3-4 times nowxD *sigh*
i'm guessing its normal to give another 2 kisses in france spain and portugal? Dont know about Italy though. I was being akward today. hehe
I should stop being so akward though O.o it just makes others feel akward as well, and it ends up in all of us, just standing there akwardly................. hahaha!

Anyways.. yea.. eh.. never thought i'd say this. but English sucks :S English people shouldn't be allowed to butcher my name by saying "Clohdia" ...ewwww please...!! >.<
that's so terrible -.- I'd much rather have it the french/italian/spanish/portuguese, whatever way.. just sounds so awesome ^^ hihi

ok i should sleep. its 5.17 am...

A: MAN airport; B: Manchester; C: Newton-Le-Willows; D: Leigh

chronologically:
[ Wouw : Brussels Charleroi : Manchester Airport : MAN Picadilly : MAN Oxford Rd : Newton-Le-Willows *oops!* : MAN Oxford Rd : MAN Picadilly : Arndale : Leigh ]
[ Leigh : Manchester Airport : Brussels Charleroi : Brussels Midi : Roosendaal : Wouw ]


i probably didnt do enough that day. but that's ok.. it was still a trip to remember!
i probably didn't show it.. but it was fun for me! granted, i am someone that's easily amused.
i probably should've talked more as well.. but new environment, people with hard-to-understand accents. english being their first language.. i find it difficult to forget my insecurities and to just blab around in a language that's my second, or third even.

Definitely realised i still havent improved that greatly in English speaking. i'm fine in reading, writing, listening.. (as far as I know, that is!). But i dont know how to get over my insecurities when talking in English to someone whose level is unquestionably superior to mine.

I dont know if I a was a nuisance to them, in any way.. i tried not to be a bother. And i should've eaten more probably. dont know what was bothering me that day.. I normally eat way more.. I might've been hungry, but just couldn't bring myself to put things in my mouth, chew it, and swallow it... i tried hard though.. =/ maybe from exhaustion/stress that day? all the travelling on my own.. i had so little to eat that day, cuz when i'm on my own, i eat when i WANT to, which sometimes ends up in me barely eating anything at all.

but that's not the point. Manchester was good. it was nice. I really did like going to England again! just a pity i didn't really get to SEE manchester though. so i can't tell if its a nice city or not..

but still, its england! England's cool :) My wallet is still full of pounds, and i still dont feel like taking them out.
The section that keeps all the coins, is full of a mixture between pounds, confusing pences/pennies and normal sense-making euros.

I cant say i didn't feel glad to get back in Brussels where they can speak Dutch, and i could listen to, and understand Dutch/Belgian people without any effort..
I still spoke English to everyone I had to talk to though.. I just didn't feel like speaking Dutch just yet.. so I just pretended not to be from around here! (that's the awesome part about international places like airports and big train stations.. No one knows where you're from, so you can just pretend you speak English or something. They wont know).

The strange part.. which was different from my other trip, which was to London.. was that when I came back to the Netherlands, I loathed Dutch cuz it was so nice in London, to have everyone around you speak English etc.. Dutch suddenly sounded so foreign and disgusting (i dont mean that foreign=disgusting :S i just mean, disgusting.. and a little bit foreign.. those two are not related to eachother! :P)
anyways. The strange thing is.. when i got back from Manchester, I didn't loathe Dutch at all.. i felt kinda relieved actually... i dont know, maybe its because of the accent i was hearing in Manchester.. It confused me sometimes.. there IS a different accent in Manchester right..?

ahahaha ok, there is.. watching it on YT right now xD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KH_kOjsXakM&feature=related

anyways. im out i think. I have an exam in less than 3 hours. and haven't even started studying yet=/ *flashback to last year* hehe.

Some songs just bring a whole flood of feelings over me

Keep on Walking:
The time in Lisbon of course :) the live concert. the awesome trip. beautiful weather. everything. This song reminds me so much of then, because it was one of the songs that I've never heard of Ana before.. first time i heard her play it at Musicbox Lisboa, and i was BLOWN away!!! and i was standing right on the "front row", right in front of the stage (right next to Micaela and her friends :P) My camera-charger i plugged onto a socket on stage.. Mica's comment she made about that.. LOL :P And just being in the presence of Ana and Blake.. the awesomeness of this gig.. amazing time.. i dont want to forget it.. and i want to relive it :( in february.. but that's not gonna happen.... grr

The Rain / It's Time:
Whenever i watch and listen to it on youtube.. ugh, makes me wanna go a year back in time when I lived on my own.. With my brother, I lived in a pretty cool appartment in Rotterdam.. We lived on our own, in a rented appartment. It was so cool cuz we were like ALL alone during the week-days :) though we'd both go home during weekends (cuz of the restaurant etc). But yea.. we bought all of our own stuff, we cooked, had friends over.. made our own icecream.. hung around on the balcony all day..
and Ohhh my god, during the spring.. or summer.. ah jeez when i look back it was so.. i dunno.. I dont know how to describe this feeling I have.. nostalgia.. it's kinda blurry cuz i probably didn't sleep enough.. or too much :S ha...
But I know this: It was definitely the best time of my life so far!
And sure I occasionally went to school (although, in block 2 of that year I think I went to school eh, twice :S) ahwell.. disregarding school-related stuff. It was SO nice! Honestly :) I cant explain it.. and i can't tell you what makes me feel like this.
But right. Ok, so during the spring back then.. hot as hell :D weather was sooo nice! And the best thing about living totally on your own is that you can stay at home all day, eat popsicles and try to move as little as possible :D no one bothering you, or judging you when you sit around at home all day long, instead of going to school. just sit around on the balcony or living room, enjoying the sun and listening to music!

I started youtubing back then! lol. and yea.. I think i stumbled upon Ana Free via Mia Rose, who I found via Michelle Branch.. But yea.. you know :) Ana rocks, haha. and so i decided i reaaaaally wanted to be able to play her songs on guitar as well. So I took my lil sister's guitar (she wasn't playing anymore) and took it with me to Rotterdam.. tried some songs on guitar.. and they sounded, hmm alright i guess. the guitar was a childrens-guitar, sucky, untuned and i was a huge n00b in guitar-playing back then (still am though) anyway, friend of mine helped me out, and taught me some of her songs. telling me what chords Ana used in her songs and all (cuz some of her videos dont show her left-hand. how she positions her fingers and what not).
so yea, he helped me out, went with me to buy a capo, and when I wanted to buy a guitar of my own, he gave me some tips as well. I searched the internet to buy a used guitar, which i eventually found :) bought it for 45 euro's i think which is so awesome (H) bought my first own frickin guitar!! :D (bought it from some old man.. very sweet ^^ haha) anyway, i still love my first guitar :) cuz of the special meaning it has for me. but I almost never play on it anymore though, now that i have my other one..
So yea. had my guitar. I was PSYCHED!!! it was still a lil bit outta tune though. but at least it was a decent guitar!! =D and I was so enthusiastic and motivated to play now that I actually did it pretty much non-stop! :S like, i'd wake up around 4 in the afternoon and start playing on my lovely guitar. and just kept playing around the clock :S of course i'd have little breaks for food and drinks and showers and stuff like that :P but damn, my sleeping-pattern was all messed up. I remember I seriously kept practicing till 7 in the morning without any sleep :S I still remember being awake at 9ish in the morning talking to someone in Cananda over msn.. and I still remember being awake without any sleep at 10 in the morning.... if I had any plans the next day, i'd just rest in my bed for a few hours (or sometimes just not-sleep at all) and go do the thing i had to do.. get back home and THEN sleep.
Ah, those times :) barely any sleep... but yea.. it was so nice..
what i remember best was just the spring-time cuz it was so hot :) weather was amazing, and spring is my favourite season! and my brother had a girlfriend.. and the 3 of us hung out a lot.. Times were gooood! xD Being on our own. Staying up till late. having a lot of useless fun, wasting time and being content with doing nothing at all.... yup. i definitely long for those times again!

picture elab:
it's a screen-shot from a video i took from the appartment. No other/better pictures cuz sadly, I just found out i have no pictures of that appartment whatsoever :S:S
*kicks herself*

- i know this appartment looks like crap. but my brother and I were too lazy to decorate the entire place.. and we already knew beforehand, we werent going to live there very long.. so yea :) but we still liked it though! ^^ although, i was kinda scared to touch the floor and walls with my bare skin. (i have a mild case of germ-phobia.. *yes i am crazy*)

walls and stuff

Quote: "I built up a wall, not to block everybody out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it."

but, why can't you make an effort yourself? Cuz it sounds like you're just sitting behind the wall, waiting for people to climb over it :S Why can't you sit ON the wall, throw down a rope and help others climb over it? Both of you (/both of us) will be making an effort..
The quote isn't stupid or anything.. i understand why you'd say something like that, but what if the other one has built up a wall as well? You'd both have walls, and neither of you are willing to climb over eachother's walls :S neither of you will make an effort for a friendship.. both of you will just, stay there, waiting for someone else to climb your stupid wall.. Now would that make sense?! -_-''

(is my STORY still making sense?!? ..no.. :p)
ahwell...

nagging

I'm so sick of all those judgemental people around me..
Crazy people keep watching over my shoulder to make sure I'm getting things done or doing things right...
Superficial people that keep judging you for the way you are on the outside..
Jealous people for getting annoyed with you because you decide to not run in life, but walk in a more comfortable pace.
Fricking annoying people that promise you one thing, but back out the next moment, by completely ignoring you.....
Ignorant people who cant take any hints when they ask you something...

Ugh.. random things are on my mind..

If you've read my previous post.. just forget it.. she chickened out.. and the trip to Barcelona we had planned for next week? she decided to ignore me since the day after we agreed on going..! jeez.. whatever..

I typed in a name on Facebook search-thing.. someone from the past.. it actually got a hit................ i shouldn't get back into it though.. just forget i searched for that name.. bleh

My grandmother keeps cleaning up my room and even re-organising my entire room (she tried moving the entire bed to the other side of the room... i mean come on..)
I dont know where ANYTHING is right now, and it drives me insane.. argh. she takes random stuff from my room and puts it in the closet.. why? cuz she didn't like it in my room :S

No one thinks i can cook for myself, and take care of myself.. cuz they wont even give me enough space to prove myself.
Truth is.. i like to cook.. but how the hell am i going to let them know that, with THEYRE always cooking for me and making me to go their fricking homes to eat.. I KNOW its a nice thing, to have people look after you.. but turn it down just a notch!
Living with my grandmother and some other random lady, is slowly driving me crazy! I like my grandmother a lot.. seriously, i do.. i respect her really.. but she's starting to get on my nerves... asking me every day what time i get home from school.. phoning me every day where i am.. if i'll come home for dinner/go to my aunts to have dinner....
i know i can just tell them if I'm going out with friends, but.. i'm effing chinese, and its rude to say no to family and go out with your friends instead

Arghadfhawef i need to get out! my room consists of a bed, and a wardrobe and a night-stand.. i'm not over-exaggerating. I need a desk or something :S everything i do, like homework or stuff, i do it on my bed..... I dont like sitting in the living room. either my grandmother is there, or that random lady living here is there.. or both even.. watching tv/playing games on computer :S
when i sleep, i sleep with my laptop with me in bed.. (queen-sized bed.. thats the only nice thing here)

but still.. If i would get the chance to get my old appartment back... i would totally take it! my old, dirty, scary appartment, where I'm afraid of touching things, cuz they're gross.. At least there, we had 2 bedrooms, a kitchen, a livingroom a bathroom and a toilet all to ourselves! My brother and me! (ok and his friends, cuz they came over a lot..) but it was nice... I can still remember the first day there.. we worked SO hard at cleaning EVERYTHING!! (im kinda OCD with cleaning) and we layed down 2 matrasses on the floor, in the livingroom. We slept there for the first few weeks or so ^^ and i can still remember the nights where we didn't sleep at all.. where 4hours of sleep would get me through 30hours or being awake. When we went to bed at 09.00, cuz we were up all night having so much fun.. When I'd just wake up, not go to school, but get my guitar, and try playing it, for the ENTIRE day.. entire evening.. entire night!! no seriously.. it was so much fun.. especially when it was summer.. and my brother had his girlfriend.. we had such a nice time.. it was a sweet period in my life :) but i'll dedicate another post about that another time!

lol, i totally forgot what more i wanted to complain about after thinking about last year :P
ok. well. this post is long enough now.. still have to find a suiting picture for this :S hm

ok picture explanation: photo was taken at my old appartment with my phone. I drew the bamboos on my eh.. glass-board..? (whiteboard.. but from glass..? :P just hung it up on my wall and wrote down notes to myself on it with markers. notes. things i still had to do.. things not to forget.. other people writing random things on it :))

dont u just love how the pavement in spain is always like this?

Do i honestly need someone else to constantly lay down the pavements for me to walk on, or to hold my hand even. and guide me through the jungle in front of me..
i know i kinda do, but.. i feel bad admitting it.. I've TRIED being independant. all in vain though. cuz i am so incapable of managing things on my own, and situations so often get the best of me.

Having a friend ("friend"? ..im not really sure..) leave you all by yourself is tough, obviously.. especially when she's going to be on the other side of the world..
I made her promise to write me letters.. send them to me over the mail (i just like receiving mail..). Apparently so does she.. she loves to write letters and send them out. I didn't know that. which only shows just how little we know eachother..

She's taking a huge (!) step on her own. Together with another friend of hers (who she just met a year ago i think). I know she only had 2 people to ask to accompany her on her journey of the coming 4 years.. That other friend, and ..me.
She didn't ask me; at all.. I know why though: We've made eachother so many false promises, of going abroad together and all.. We broke every single one of them. Most of them on my account.. some were her own fault though (promising me we'll go to China in our third year together for our internships and live together there is amazing. but completely ignoring me THIS year.. that's just not right. felt as if i was being used)

Anyways. She didn't ask me. I know we drifted apart and I often pushed her away. cuz i just couldn't stand the way she talked to me anymore.. but still. she didn't tell me untill yesterday evening. not once did she even try to contact me.. only a few days ago she said she wanted to meet me. I said it would have to wait an hour, cuz i was having class just then.. so after my class i called her back.. but she never answered.. and i texted her as well, but she chose to ignore that..
hate when someone calls you and assumes you'll just make time for them.. pretending that they're more important and the rest of the people you know will have to wait. My little sister is just like that. so selfish.

blaahh,..

Oh.. right.. the pavement thing!!
Since that 'friend' is going to study abroad and start her own new path, (still find it hard to believe) i find myself questioning my own path as well.. should i follow her lead? i know it would make me happier. To study abroad i mean.. But there is safety here in the Netherlands (family). But i hate this country though.. hate my study-program. i'm sooo pessimistic whether i can endure this another 2-3 years!! i'll go crazy.. but it would be one of my few chances to prove myself.. being able to begin something and actually finish it. OR i just end up throwing away 3-4 years of my life, trying to obtain a diploma i wasnt really that interested in, in the first place..

So if i go abroad.. follow her footsteps. Walk the pavement she's laid down in front of me.. I get a fresh new start. Forget the old me. Let go of everything and just start anew. Hopefully i'll find better teachers there (wherever i go). Teachers that are actually happy to teach. that are enthusiastic about their subject enough, to inspire me. Cuz all i really need is inspiration. inspiration motivates me.

Honestly.. i really dont know what to do anymore. I look up to the girl that is going to america.. i just wanna do the same. be the kind that steps up.. take initiative. not the kind that sits down waiting for stuff to happen to her.....

ok im at the restaurant and getting interrupted again.. i'm gonna stop, cuz at this rate, i'll never finish my story..

*to be continued probably* ..or not.. knowing me i never finish a thing :)
x

i sometimes wonder what's going on inside her head..
she's not the type that goes telling people about her feelings, especially not to us of course.
does she ever think of him? i never got to know him.. he passed away before any of us were born.. but i'm sure she thinks of him every now and then.. especially when she's alone, all by herself i suppose...
does she get sad? depressed? or is she strong, and accepts the past?
I don't know if i want to know, but i do worry about it... it feels bad to not ever talk about it, and not to know anything about him.
i know what happened to him.. it was an accident, and no one's fault.. and that's the worst kind, cuz it just feels 'someone up above' ripped the one you loved out of your life.. i can't imagine to lose someone like that. without having said a proper goodbye, and with no one to blame or anything..

I imagine sometimes.. (i know its bad luck to think about it) but what if someone would get ripped out of our lives.. how would everyone react.. and the people you know that live a thousand miles away. would they ever find out? or would they spend their entire lives not knowing, and not even thinking about you..
they say it's a small world.. it's not that small. technology makes it seem small. it's still a massive and complex world..

(not me, unfortunately i do not have a huge tattoo on my back)

it's time again. I think i'm just naive, and assume everyone is deep and intelligent and interesting and all that..
so far, it has happened everytime.. Sometimes after 1 month, sometimes after 2 years. It's not the 'if'; it's the 'when'.
You just realise that your expectations were too high.. which ends up in you just kinda.. drifting away

Of course, sometimes you drift back. When you've accepted the flaws.
Sometimes you shouldn't drift back though, because even though you accept their flaws, doesn't necessarily mean they accept yours.

And sometimes you've had so many ups and downs that you just end up getting stuck somewhere in the middle of the 'up' and the 'down', and you just talk to eachother like, once a year or somethinig..