dont u just love how the pavement in spain is always like this?

Do i honestly need someone else to constantly lay down the pavements for me to walk on, or to hold my hand even. and guide me through the jungle in front of me..
i know i kinda do, but.. i feel bad admitting it.. I've TRIED being independant. all in vain though. cuz i am so incapable of managing things on my own, and situations so often get the best of me.

Having a friend ("friend"? ..im not really sure..) leave you all by yourself is tough, obviously.. especially when she's going to be on the other side of the world..
I made her promise to write me letters.. send them to me over the mail (i just like receiving mail..). Apparently so does she.. she loves to write letters and send them out. I didn't know that. which only shows just how little we know eachother..

She's taking a huge (!) step on her own. Together with another friend of hers (who she just met a year ago i think). I know she only had 2 people to ask to accompany her on her journey of the coming 4 years.. That other friend, and ..me.
She didn't ask me; at all.. I know why though: We've made eachother so many false promises, of going abroad together and all.. We broke every single one of them. Most of them on my account.. some were her own fault though (promising me we'll go to China in our third year together for our internships and live together there is amazing. but completely ignoring me THIS year.. that's just not right. felt as if i was being used)

Anyways. She didn't ask me. I know we drifted apart and I often pushed her away. cuz i just couldn't stand the way she talked to me anymore.. but still. she didn't tell me untill yesterday evening. not once did she even try to contact me.. only a few days ago she said she wanted to meet me. I said it would have to wait an hour, cuz i was having class just then.. so after my class i called her back.. but she never answered.. and i texted her as well, but she chose to ignore that..
hate when someone calls you and assumes you'll just make time for them.. pretending that they're more important and the rest of the people you know will have to wait. My little sister is just like that. so selfish.

blaahh,..

Oh.. right.. the pavement thing!!
Since that 'friend' is going to study abroad and start her own new path, (still find it hard to believe) i find myself questioning my own path as well.. should i follow her lead? i know it would make me happier. To study abroad i mean.. But there is safety here in the Netherlands (family). But i hate this country though.. hate my study-program. i'm sooo pessimistic whether i can endure this another 2-3 years!! i'll go crazy.. but it would be one of my few chances to prove myself.. being able to begin something and actually finish it. OR i just end up throwing away 3-4 years of my life, trying to obtain a diploma i wasnt really that interested in, in the first place..

So if i go abroad.. follow her footsteps. Walk the pavement she's laid down in front of me.. I get a fresh new start. Forget the old me. Let go of everything and just start anew. Hopefully i'll find better teachers there (wherever i go). Teachers that are actually happy to teach. that are enthusiastic about their subject enough, to inspire me. Cuz all i really need is inspiration. inspiration motivates me.

Honestly.. i really dont know what to do anymore. I look up to the girl that is going to america.. i just wanna do the same. be the kind that steps up.. take initiative. not the kind that sits down waiting for stuff to happen to her.....

ok im at the restaurant and getting interrupted again.. i'm gonna stop, cuz at this rate, i'll never finish my story..

*to be continued probably* ..or not.. knowing me i never finish a thing :)
x