Ending the Old & Beginning the New

Woosh!
Time went by WAY too fast.. Since the countdown can't be postponed, i guess the countdown should start anyways :)
its almost 9 o'clock in the evening as I'm writing this. I'm kind of in a hurry, but i feel like looking back on my life anyways, now that 2010 hasnt begun yet.

2009 was.... a dumb year for me :) made quite some mistakes! hehe and if i could, i would change all of them. I'd do things differently, cuz i really do regret a lot of the decisions i made. but i can't change anything thats in the past now, and so i hope i can make the most out of my mistakes anyway..
2010 will be better, i'll try and be a better person than i am today. im not sure how, but i will.. I gotta make something out of my life! 2010 will definitely be a challenge for me.. Its the end of the first deccenium of the second millenium.. (got that? yea? cool! :))
Its also the beginning of the second deccenium of my life! Which means.. i have got to start getting busy with my 'to-do-before-i-turn-20' list! Though it's not even close to completion yet, I'm looking forward to doing all those things!
Eeks! fun, good, amazing, and interesting experiences to come!

Anyways! have a blasting entrance into 2010 and stay safe! Be careful with the fireworks.. I'd like to shake your hand with all 5 fingers attached when i meet you ;)
eat well and drink champagne!! See ya next year, beijão!

merry christmas...

sometimes, you just have to bury your feelings away. they're not appropriate, not convenient, not like you, not the way others want you to be.
people should live up to other people's expectations right? do what they want you to do, and dont say no.

..to a certain extent. you still have to give people their freedom and space.. just give me space.. by smothering someone, they'll just want to run away from you instead of staying with you.

But in the end its always the same. You take a deep breath, slowly count to 10 and then throw a pile of sand over your feelings...

sketchyyy =/

if a stranger asks you "hey. wanna come chill in my hotel room in the middle of the night?"

People.. you say NO!

i'm asking now.

I only ask for the things i really really want. I'm reluctant to ask for something i dont need or want badly. So the times i do get turned down, i feel absolutely crushed.

It drives me crazy to feel so small in my life. so dependant and powerless and helpless..  but if i'd try to change that, change my lifestyle, i'd be anguished by the fact that i'm leaving my family behind.. would i come across as selfish? i just know i wouldnt be able to walk that fine line where you have everything in balance..
On the other hand, if i'd try to stay here, lay low forever, i'd be forcing myself to live in anguish as well, by the smothering routines of living and working in a small village 24/7.

what the hell happened to my dreams of going abroad. its been 3years since highschool and i've still achieved nothing. i havent even studied abroad yet, havent done anything proper. no suave diplomas i can show off, no job, no achievements.
its easy to dream.. making them come true is an entirely different story!

and if i'd leave this place, where would I go? and what would i do...

Impossible Highway-flirting

what happened today..

i was driving on the highway from Rotterdam back to Wouw around 1am. and i tried to overtake a white bmw 3series (the older version)
I unsuspectingly drove past him and then ahead of him. but then he suddenly decided: "hey, i dont want you driving in front of me!" And so he overtakes me again! So im like. euhh whatever. But he stayed on the left lane, driving right beside me, kinda blocking me from moving to the left lane.. So i looked over of course, like "yo, whats up".
And as i looked over, this guy (decent looking asian, possibly chinese, early 20's) looks right back at me, smiling 0_0 haha.
So.. akward as i am, i just kept driving, not thinking much of it and tried not to look directly at him again. Embarrassed. xD I caught myself still ocassionally sneeking a peak to my left though, to see if he was still looking!

sooo, im like "screw it, im gonna go ahead and speed up a bit." and as i sped up, he sped up as well, but he kept staying on my left, prohibiting me from overtaking him legally! Is he trying to play like a game?? so i thought "sure, i'll play your little game." And so I sped up a bit, just enough to drive in front of him again, and kept speeding up to STAY ahead of him. But again he came from behind me and returned to his previous position: on my left! arrr

There we were at 1am, in the middle of the night, driving with 130 km/h on a highway where ur supposed to go 100. we went through a tunnel. he was on the left lane, i was on the right. Ahead of me was a law-abiding (yes i mean slow) driver, so i let the white bmw-dude pass first and then i too moved to the left lane, going 130 km/h again.
And as we flew out of that tunnel, he turned on his lights, signalling he's going to take the exit to Dordrecht, while my route was to keep straight ahead. So he took his exit, moved to the righter lane, and i sped up to drive on HIS left side now, and i looked over. Just to have one last look.
Very boyishly he had his right hand on the wheel, his left arm casually leaning on his door and his hand charmingly supporting his chin while he looked directly at me, and grinned.

and I grinned back.

bye stranger.. I dont think we'll ever meet again..

Charity Karma and God

I get so upset over that chinese self-centeredness. the egoistic ways they have. The "why the fuck would you help him/her?? they're not family. you dont even know them" kind of reaction when you sometimes try to help out the needy. whether it be directly or indirectly (eg: giving a street-musician spare change or making donations to a good cause).
ohh even worse is when you show love and compassion for africa. hahah racist bastards..

but ok. i get that they wanna be careful with spending their well-deserved money. Chinese people work HARD as hell!
But even the little things like helping out a friend though (effort-related. not money-related) I know i suck at drawing a line for myself -setting a boundry, when I or someone else has crossed a line of some sort.. But its never wrong to help out a friend is it? even if you do it a little bit too often. At least nothing bad can come from it. I dont see anything wrong with occasionally putting the wants and needs of someone close above your own..

Mind your karma. and just pretend that God's watching over your shoulder. If you should die (and in the unlikeliness of His existance actually being real), lucky you earned yourself a one-way ticket into heaven.

and if He's not up there.. well, at least you brought some people happiness AND got a good nights rest out of it..
so who cares. just make that extra little effort already!

btw. I gave some spare change to a street musician today in Antwerp. He played the violin flawlessly (as far as i could tell that is)! So i walked over. and as soon as i put down the money in the violin-bag-thingy, he stopped playing :o and offered me a piece of chocolate! awww
See?? Good karma! Give a little, receive a lot: enjoy the good music+make a man happy+get a free piece of chocolate!! yeehaww


 ohh and just to keep things clear: of course not ALL chinese people are how i just described them! i have no hate :p all is good. there's good and bad people in every country, culture and family..