Some songs just bring a whole flood of feelings over me

Keep on Walking:
The time in Lisbon of course :) the live concert. the awesome trip. beautiful weather. everything. This song reminds me so much of then, because it was one of the songs that I've never heard of Ana before.. first time i heard her play it at Musicbox Lisboa, and i was BLOWN away!!! and i was standing right on the "front row", right in front of the stage (right next to Micaela and her friends :P) My camera-charger i plugged onto a socket on stage.. Mica's comment she made about that.. LOL :P And just being in the presence of Ana and Blake.. the awesomeness of this gig.. amazing time.. i dont want to forget it.. and i want to relive it :( in february.. but that's not gonna happen.... grr

The Rain / It's Time:
Whenever i watch and listen to it on youtube.. ugh, makes me wanna go a year back in time when I lived on my own.. With my brother, I lived in a pretty cool appartment in Rotterdam.. We lived on our own, in a rented appartment. It was so cool cuz we were like ALL alone during the week-days :) though we'd both go home during weekends (cuz of the restaurant etc). But yea.. we bought all of our own stuff, we cooked, had friends over.. made our own icecream.. hung around on the balcony all day..
and Ohhh my god, during the spring.. or summer.. ah jeez when i look back it was so.. i dunno.. I dont know how to describe this feeling I have.. nostalgia.. it's kinda blurry cuz i probably didn't sleep enough.. or too much :S ha...
But I know this: It was definitely the best time of my life so far!
And sure I occasionally went to school (although, in block 2 of that year I think I went to school eh, twice :S) ahwell.. disregarding school-related stuff. It was SO nice! Honestly :) I cant explain it.. and i can't tell you what makes me feel like this.
But right. Ok, so during the spring back then.. hot as hell :D weather was sooo nice! And the best thing about living totally on your own is that you can stay at home all day, eat popsicles and try to move as little as possible :D no one bothering you, or judging you when you sit around at home all day long, instead of going to school. just sit around on the balcony or living room, enjoying the sun and listening to music!

I started youtubing back then! lol. and yea.. I think i stumbled upon Ana Free via Mia Rose, who I found via Michelle Branch.. But yea.. you know :) Ana rocks, haha. and so i decided i reaaaaally wanted to be able to play her songs on guitar as well. So I took my lil sister's guitar (she wasn't playing anymore) and took it with me to Rotterdam.. tried some songs on guitar.. and they sounded, hmm alright i guess. the guitar was a childrens-guitar, sucky, untuned and i was a huge n00b in guitar-playing back then (still am though) anyway, friend of mine helped me out, and taught me some of her songs. telling me what chords Ana used in her songs and all (cuz some of her videos dont show her left-hand. how she positions her fingers and what not).
so yea, he helped me out, went with me to buy a capo, and when I wanted to buy a guitar of my own, he gave me some tips as well. I searched the internet to buy a used guitar, which i eventually found :) bought it for 45 euro's i think which is so awesome (H) bought my first own frickin guitar!! :D (bought it from some old man.. very sweet ^^ haha) anyway, i still love my first guitar :) cuz of the special meaning it has for me. but I almost never play on it anymore though, now that i have my other one..
So yea. had my guitar. I was PSYCHED!!! it was still a lil bit outta tune though. but at least it was a decent guitar!! =D and I was so enthusiastic and motivated to play now that I actually did it pretty much non-stop! :S like, i'd wake up around 4 in the afternoon and start playing on my lovely guitar. and just kept playing around the clock :S of course i'd have little breaks for food and drinks and showers and stuff like that :P but damn, my sleeping-pattern was all messed up. I remember I seriously kept practicing till 7 in the morning without any sleep :S I still remember being awake at 9ish in the morning talking to someone in Cananda over msn.. and I still remember being awake without any sleep at 10 in the morning.... if I had any plans the next day, i'd just rest in my bed for a few hours (or sometimes just not-sleep at all) and go do the thing i had to do.. get back home and THEN sleep.
Ah, those times :) barely any sleep... but yea.. it was so nice..
what i remember best was just the spring-time cuz it was so hot :) weather was amazing, and spring is my favourite season! and my brother had a girlfriend.. and the 3 of us hung out a lot.. Times were gooood! xD Being on our own. Staying up till late. having a lot of useless fun, wasting time and being content with doing nothing at all.... yup. i definitely long for those times again!

picture elab:
it's a screen-shot from a video i took from the appartment. No other/better pictures cuz sadly, I just found out i have no pictures of that appartment whatsoever :S:S
*kicks herself*

- i know this appartment looks like crap. but my brother and I were too lazy to decorate the entire place.. and we already knew beforehand, we werent going to live there very long.. so yea :) but we still liked it though! ^^ although, i was kinda scared to touch the floor and walls with my bare skin. (i have a mild case of germ-phobia.. *yes i am crazy*)

walls and stuff

Quote: "I built up a wall, not to block everybody out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it."

but, why can't you make an effort yourself? Cuz it sounds like you're just sitting behind the wall, waiting for people to climb over it :S Why can't you sit ON the wall, throw down a rope and help others climb over it? Both of you (/both of us) will be making an effort..
The quote isn't stupid or anything.. i understand why you'd say something like that, but what if the other one has built up a wall as well? You'd both have walls, and neither of you are willing to climb over eachother's walls :S neither of you will make an effort for a friendship.. both of you will just, stay there, waiting for someone else to climb your stupid wall.. Now would that make sense?! -_-''

(is my STORY still making sense?!? ..no.. :p)
ahwell...

nagging

I'm so sick of all those judgemental people around me..
Crazy people keep watching over my shoulder to make sure I'm getting things done or doing things right...
Superficial people that keep judging you for the way you are on the outside..
Jealous people for getting annoyed with you because you decide to not run in life, but walk in a more comfortable pace.
Fricking annoying people that promise you one thing, but back out the next moment, by completely ignoring you.....
Ignorant people who cant take any hints when they ask you something...

Ugh.. random things are on my mind..

If you've read my previous post.. just forget it.. she chickened out.. and the trip to Barcelona we had planned for next week? she decided to ignore me since the day after we agreed on going..! jeez.. whatever..

I typed in a name on Facebook search-thing.. someone from the past.. it actually got a hit................ i shouldn't get back into it though.. just forget i searched for that name.. bleh

My grandmother keeps cleaning up my room and even re-organising my entire room (she tried moving the entire bed to the other side of the room... i mean come on..)
I dont know where ANYTHING is right now, and it drives me insane.. argh. she takes random stuff from my room and puts it in the closet.. why? cuz she didn't like it in my room :S

No one thinks i can cook for myself, and take care of myself.. cuz they wont even give me enough space to prove myself.
Truth is.. i like to cook.. but how the hell am i going to let them know that, with THEYRE always cooking for me and making me to go their fricking homes to eat.. I KNOW its a nice thing, to have people look after you.. but turn it down just a notch!
Living with my grandmother and some other random lady, is slowly driving me crazy! I like my grandmother a lot.. seriously, i do.. i respect her really.. but she's starting to get on my nerves... asking me every day what time i get home from school.. phoning me every day where i am.. if i'll come home for dinner/go to my aunts to have dinner....
i know i can just tell them if I'm going out with friends, but.. i'm effing chinese, and its rude to say no to family and go out with your friends instead

Arghadfhawef i need to get out! my room consists of a bed, and a wardrobe and a night-stand.. i'm not over-exaggerating. I need a desk or something :S everything i do, like homework or stuff, i do it on my bed..... I dont like sitting in the living room. either my grandmother is there, or that random lady living here is there.. or both even.. watching tv/playing games on computer :S
when i sleep, i sleep with my laptop with me in bed.. (queen-sized bed.. thats the only nice thing here)

but still.. If i would get the chance to get my old appartment back... i would totally take it! my old, dirty, scary appartment, where I'm afraid of touching things, cuz they're gross.. At least there, we had 2 bedrooms, a kitchen, a livingroom a bathroom and a toilet all to ourselves! My brother and me! (ok and his friends, cuz they came over a lot..) but it was nice... I can still remember the first day there.. we worked SO hard at cleaning EVERYTHING!! (im kinda OCD with cleaning) and we layed down 2 matrasses on the floor, in the livingroom. We slept there for the first few weeks or so ^^ and i can still remember the nights where we didn't sleep at all.. where 4hours of sleep would get me through 30hours or being awake. When we went to bed at 09.00, cuz we were up all night having so much fun.. When I'd just wake up, not go to school, but get my guitar, and try playing it, for the ENTIRE day.. entire evening.. entire night!! no seriously.. it was so much fun.. especially when it was summer.. and my brother had his girlfriend.. we had such a nice time.. it was a sweet period in my life :) but i'll dedicate another post about that another time!

lol, i totally forgot what more i wanted to complain about after thinking about last year :P
ok. well. this post is long enough now.. still have to find a suiting picture for this :S hm

ok picture explanation: photo was taken at my old appartment with my phone. I drew the bamboos on my eh.. glass-board..? (whiteboard.. but from glass..? :P just hung it up on my wall and wrote down notes to myself on it with markers. notes. things i still had to do.. things not to forget.. other people writing random things on it :))

dont u just love how the pavement in spain is always like this?

Do i honestly need someone else to constantly lay down the pavements for me to walk on, or to hold my hand even. and guide me through the jungle in front of me..
i know i kinda do, but.. i feel bad admitting it.. I've TRIED being independant. all in vain though. cuz i am so incapable of managing things on my own, and situations so often get the best of me.

Having a friend ("friend"? ..im not really sure..) leave you all by yourself is tough, obviously.. especially when she's going to be on the other side of the world..
I made her promise to write me letters.. send them to me over the mail (i just like receiving mail..). Apparently so does she.. she loves to write letters and send them out. I didn't know that. which only shows just how little we know eachother..

She's taking a huge (!) step on her own. Together with another friend of hers (who she just met a year ago i think). I know she only had 2 people to ask to accompany her on her journey of the coming 4 years.. That other friend, and ..me.
She didn't ask me; at all.. I know why though: We've made eachother so many false promises, of going abroad together and all.. We broke every single one of them. Most of them on my account.. some were her own fault though (promising me we'll go to China in our third year together for our internships and live together there is amazing. but completely ignoring me THIS year.. that's just not right. felt as if i was being used)

Anyways. She didn't ask me. I know we drifted apart and I often pushed her away. cuz i just couldn't stand the way she talked to me anymore.. but still. she didn't tell me untill yesterday evening. not once did she even try to contact me.. only a few days ago she said she wanted to meet me. I said it would have to wait an hour, cuz i was having class just then.. so after my class i called her back.. but she never answered.. and i texted her as well, but she chose to ignore that..
hate when someone calls you and assumes you'll just make time for them.. pretending that they're more important and the rest of the people you know will have to wait. My little sister is just like that. so selfish.

blaahh,..

Oh.. right.. the pavement thing!!
Since that 'friend' is going to study abroad and start her own new path, (still find it hard to believe) i find myself questioning my own path as well.. should i follow her lead? i know it would make me happier. To study abroad i mean.. But there is safety here in the Netherlands (family). But i hate this country though.. hate my study-program. i'm sooo pessimistic whether i can endure this another 2-3 years!! i'll go crazy.. but it would be one of my few chances to prove myself.. being able to begin something and actually finish it. OR i just end up throwing away 3-4 years of my life, trying to obtain a diploma i wasnt really that interested in, in the first place..

So if i go abroad.. follow her footsteps. Walk the pavement she's laid down in front of me.. I get a fresh new start. Forget the old me. Let go of everything and just start anew. Hopefully i'll find better teachers there (wherever i go). Teachers that are actually happy to teach. that are enthusiastic about their subject enough, to inspire me. Cuz all i really need is inspiration. inspiration motivates me.

Honestly.. i really dont know what to do anymore. I look up to the girl that is going to america.. i just wanna do the same. be the kind that steps up.. take initiative. not the kind that sits down waiting for stuff to happen to her.....

ok im at the restaurant and getting interrupted again.. i'm gonna stop, cuz at this rate, i'll never finish my story..

*to be continued probably* ..or not.. knowing me i never finish a thing :)
x

i sometimes wonder what's going on inside her head..
she's not the type that goes telling people about her feelings, especially not to us of course.
does she ever think of him? i never got to know him.. he passed away before any of us were born.. but i'm sure she thinks of him every now and then.. especially when she's alone, all by herself i suppose...
does she get sad? depressed? or is she strong, and accepts the past?
I don't know if i want to know, but i do worry about it... it feels bad to not ever talk about it, and not to know anything about him.
i know what happened to him.. it was an accident, and no one's fault.. and that's the worst kind, cuz it just feels 'someone up above' ripped the one you loved out of your life.. i can't imagine to lose someone like that. without having said a proper goodbye, and with no one to blame or anything..

I imagine sometimes.. (i know its bad luck to think about it) but what if someone would get ripped out of our lives.. how would everyone react.. and the people you know that live a thousand miles away. would they ever find out? or would they spend their entire lives not knowing, and not even thinking about you..
they say it's a small world.. it's not that small. technology makes it seem small. it's still a massive and complex world..

(not me, unfortunately i do not have a huge tattoo on my back)

it's time again. I think i'm just naive, and assume everyone is deep and intelligent and interesting and all that..
so far, it has happened everytime.. Sometimes after 1 month, sometimes after 2 years. It's not the 'if'; it's the 'when'.
You just realise that your expectations were too high.. which ends up in you just kinda.. drifting away

Of course, sometimes you drift back. When you've accepted the flaws.
Sometimes you shouldn't drift back though, because even though you accept their flaws, doesn't necessarily mean they accept yours.

And sometimes you've had so many ups and downs that you just end up getting stuck somewhere in the middle of the 'up' and the 'down', and you just talk to eachother like, once a year or somethinig..