because more often than not, I don't know how to act like others would want me to..

after a while i often end up pushing people away with whom i've gotten close with..

i honestly don't know if i'm able to maintain a friendship or whatever, for a long period of time.. :S

argh,, how does it work..

seriously...... -_-'''

hmm,, made delicious pancakes some days back =D
flour, salt, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, egg yolks, beaten egg whites, and milk.. qué rico xD

Also made several attempts on Pasteis de Nata as well! but..damn.. I can't seem to make it right! :( Kinda figured out how it all works though,, just need to figure out the right amounts of ingredients..
My last batch was quite edible though :P My dad ate like 8 of them O.o and I made a few dozen of mini versions ^^
(yea, I like miniature versions of food.. hehe)

Well, I have my first real driving-lesson tomorrow! yaay! let's hope I won't hit a cow along the way :\

off to bed now, cuz the lesson is at 9.00 am for god's sake =.=
je suis très fatigue!

(in thoughts),
i kinda miss the long, late-night calls, never going a day without calling eachother.
the stupid and childish ways you used to tease me.
how you'd just hang up on me, in the middle of a conversation, just to see if i'd call you back.
that you turn away, acting like you don't care.
how you always tried to make me jealous.
and how I always fell for it.

..no actually, I don't really miss it that much =/



anywayy,, When you've been missing something in your life, and it's finally starting to look like your gonna get it again.. wouldn't you rush into it? try to make things go faster, and throwing urself into the deep..
(not talking about love or anything.. lol just in general. as far as this can be taken 'general' :S)

hmm.. not much else..
5 days left to make the decision about london :(

Ana Free (what else! :) ..no, not nespresso.... -_-'')

AAAHHH Ana's finally going to have her first actual performance in London!!! :D

I JUST saw it on her myspace, and i got suuuuperexcited!! ^^
i can barely focus enough to type anything sensible right now :D

I. REALLY. WANT. TO. GO!!!!!

aaahh can't waaaait the excitement.. i'm going to see how i can get to London the easiest/cheapest!

weeeeeeeee~

(shit i have to hand in an assignment tomorrow)

Wouldn't it be so cool to have Ana Free-guitarpicks?!
argh apparently you can have them made online..
I honestly wouldn't mind that much to order them, but I'd have to order them per 100! err.. 100 guitar picks.. O.o
I don't even play decent guitar! haha people would just think I'm insane for doing it..

anywaay.. since I'm already speaking of insanity, I'm honestly considering to go to Portugal again, in 3 months or so...?
i hooooope there won't be anything important at university, and I can leave without having to deal with consequences.

If i could leave around 18 Februari, or maybe 19 Februari, I can have my 2nd AnaFree concert! weeee ^^
I have a college-break the week after (23-27 Feb), so hopefully I can stay in Portugal for a week or so? :D hihi...
I could visit Lisbon again? go by train maybe, and this time i WILL visit Belém! hehe Pasteis de Nata (totally going to import at least a few dozen of those into the Netherlands.. pff :P)
aaaaand.. definitely visit Rico Prazer along the way, a new and upcoming icecream-store ;D
- "ice-cream,, in Februari?!?" ..yea who cares :P

So micaela.. if you're reading this..... haha ;)

pff,, i'm way ahead of myself again.. I might not even go at all.. but I really really really want tooooo~ :(
I'll start saving now, (like that'll work. lol I have no real income :P only my monthly student grant..) and behave really really good at home :D

*hi mom~ can I help you with anything? iron the clothes? vacuum clean? tidy my room? I'll even help out DAILY in the restaurant!!*

.ahum
so.. yea..

Mini Pastéis de Nata (kinda)

Aaahh I'm SOOO glad my exams are over!!
I think this was the only exam-week EVER, without having drunk any Red Bull :| ..which isn't necessarily a good thing! I must've fallen asleep while studying about 5 times last night... xD and during the exam of 90 LOOONG multiple-choice questions, I got so incredibly tired and sleepy and dull that I didn't really know what the hell I was reading anymore..... =.= The exam was so boring,like you won't believe! pff :P I felt like filling in 'B' for everything! (which i mostly did.. lol O.o)

Anyway.. The above picture was my attempt at some more mini-pastéis de nata.. Not NEARLY as good as the ones from Portugal. but I think I've found a recipe online that's quite accurate!!
Only thing is, they might taste alright, but they LOOK like.. omg.. they look gross xD

Ohhhh and in the tram yesterday night there were DEFINITELY 2 portuguese ladies sitting behind me!! ahahah so cool :P Im about 80% sure they were portuguese... I was kinda eavesdropping :$ and heard words like 'tudo' and 'nunca' and I don't remember what else :P anyway.. it wasn't Spanish, that's for sure. Think they were portuguese, living in Holland cuz every now and then they'd throw in a couple of Dutch words in their sentences :P

PELUCHE!!!!!

..anyways.. I'm pretty happy :P My cousin stopped by just now and gave me a belated birthday-present (which i didn't expect!)
I got a Guitar Hero III game for our Wii!! Including the Guitar which is a Gibson Les Pauls!! hehe wickedddd
I love it!! so much fun to play on it! hehe I've been wanting to buy GuitarHero for a while now,, sooo nice.. really glad with my gift ^^

well,, signing off for now i guess :)
x!

pre-filled&baked

Yea, I'm gonna stop with those crazy-long posts now, I think! Takes way too much time (time I don't have now my exams are coming up! ..no wait.. "coming up"?!? My exams are this week!! I HAVE 2 EXAMS ON THURSDAY!! =O)

..oh procrastination..... ~.~

anyways.. you know when you just drift off in your thoughts, and think about the one(s) you love and care about ..fun moments, moving moments, loving moments..
Right there, I felt a hole today.
Where normal people should've felt some kind of emotion (either feeling glad or sad or mad..), when thinking about these things, I felt nothing. Simply because there's nothing there..
Lately my life's kinda been like a long thread of sleeping and waking and sleeping and waking.. just continuing, waiting for something exciting to happen. ~.~
rarely does though..

well, it's 13.45 atm, think i'll get up now and take a shower, and try to finally give a go at studying (which'll probably be in vain, but whatever)!

All right, I have a theory..
about dreams (.. *sigh* :P)

.So, You know when you dream, it's like you're a complete different person and it's almost as if you're not really yourself, but at the same time, you are..?
.My theory is that we're all unconscious of our souls being active in 2 different worlds.. Two totally different places; One of them being this one: the one we are in now, while still being awake.
Now the other one is when we finally go to bed, fall asleep. That's when our soul 'jumps' to another place, and our other half will become active.. While we sleep over HERE, our other parts are awake and active THERE.. Vice versa, when THEY are asleep, WE are the ones that are awake and active.
The lives we live over there are just as real as the lives we live here. We just don't know about eachother; We only wake up remembering vague things about what just happened to our other half. This is where our dreams come from!

wouldn't it be so beautiful if it were true? in my opinion it's quite plausible actually! Imagine that the beautiful or reminiscent dreams you have, were actually more real than you ever would've thought! The dreams about someone you miss, dreams about who you really wanna be, dreams where you have no worries whatsoever..

so.., yea.. This all suddenly occurred to me while i was in the train, while trying to study. guess my thoughts drifted off :P
speaking of trains.. I love sitting in trains! especially international trains, where there are almost always foreign people with you in the compartment!
Few weeks back, there was a Portuguese guy and a girl sitting almost right next to me! (H)
and yesterday, there were 3 Spanish-speaking people too! omgod I love the way Spanish sounds.. ~.~ haha
anyways, one of those 3 Spaniards was a decent-looking senior and he kinda made me think of my grandfather..
He lived in Spain, but sometimes came over to the Netherlands to visit the family here.. He was the only grandfather I had, and he was pretty gifted in stuff too.. there was a lot I could have (and wanted to) learn from him.. Too bad it's too late for that now. I often find my mother saying 'yea, you're grandfather really knew how to do that well'.
Ahh well.. I guess every Spanish decent-looking senior will remind me of him. Which is a good thing, cuz I like being reminded of him since I probably don't think about him enough nowadays..

Anyways, getting so late already =.= agh I always write my stories at like 4am, or so it seems! pff.. exams are coming up too, and I hate that I have such gaps in between my driving-lessons.. It's been a week since my last one, and I don't have another lesson until the 13th! that sucks.. I love driving!

clouded situation

.. desperately clinging on to hope i guess

doesn't everyone struggle in life? Desperately trying to clasp onto the things that we want or have, in fear of losing it.. I'm talking about broken hearts, things we lose, or people even..
Your love for a person, your love for a thing, or your love for life; I think we all keep struggling in the fight of holding on to those valued things..
If not experiencing these fights in our own lives, we always see them happening somewhere around us -mostly everywhere around us- to the people next to us...

kinda dealing with a family situation right now.. Well.. the situation hasn't really started yet, but it's about to.. just giving it some thought, and trying to keep my thoughts as positive as possible about it...
blabla.. anyways..

On a somewhat brighter topic, I had a pretty funny dream a while back! well not funny necessarily, but pretty cool if it were reality (A) and.. weird =/
[Okay, since this was a few days ago, I might not portrait the situation as accurate as when it was still fresh in my mind.. but here's the dream:]

* after-EDIT: I decided to give you a summary of my dream.. cuz it was getting SO long.. and weird for you to read too, when you don't really know me in person :P

So apparently I found a secret (free!) short-cut to Portugal!! (god if only such a thing were possible in reality!! ;)) In my dream I climbed onto the rooftops here in NL.. KEPT ON WALKING, and eventually (after some dangerous jumping-over-open-parts and narrow-parts-to-walk-over O.o), there'd be a steep white old concrete stairway that I'd descent, and arrive in Porugal! just like that :P
anyway, found Ana Free's house there, won a brown bracelet from her (eh.. yea, don't ask :P) Ate spaghetti in my dream as well.. and even got hired in that same Italian restaurant to help out with waiting! O.o haha it was weird.. *sigh*

actually, compared to my other dreams, on a craziness-scale of 1-10 this was about a 3 probably.. it was nothing really, haha I always have the WEIRDEST dreams!! you can't imagine,, I even had a dream where I was a fugutive with Will Smith, being chased by the SWAT-team and dozens of police-cars and helicopters..... so much action in that dream :D so cool; I was driving too! And Will Smith was screaming!

...This is why i don't believe in the "dreams have a deeper meaning"-crap :p

ahh.. such a lame-ass rant about.. nothing.