hmmmm I think i lost my Christmas-spirit..
Christmas is perfect with snow, and there was a lot of snow like a month back.. so naturally i was totally in the mood for Christmas.. But lately it's actually been quite warm for a December, so it's just.. not christmassy at all!
All decorations are nice though.. especially when it looks just, beautiful and breath-taking..
i just wish we had a real christmas-tree, and not one of those fake ones... of course it's easier and all.. but nothing beats the real ones.. big, and perfect.. and perfectly decorated...!

What did i wanna... ohyea.. what i wanted to say is this..
There's an imagine in my head, of the ULTIMATE Christmas.. like, good atmosphere, a warm and cosy wintery night, a real christmas-tree that's big and perfectly decorated.. snow! people you wanna be with.. and the overpowering feeling that everything will be okay. just because it's Christmas.. You know.. like in the movies...
but as Christmas is getting closer and closer, it becomes very clear that I'm not going to have those type of Christmasses.. and that those things only happen in movies, and in movies only.

You know what my Christmas will look like? I'll spend it in a restaurant.. with nice decorations, and the food is fine.
but instead of eating at that restaurant, i'll be working there. This year's Christmas, like any other, I'll be spending it with customers at the restaurant..
That's why I'm out of my Xmas-mood probably..

I will have a proper Christmas-celebration though.. taking place at my aunt's house (where the above picture was taken, last year). We're most-likely having a very late dinner there (around 22.30-23.00 probably), and after that, unwrapping the gifts.. (Secret Santa with the family) It's always fun, but i kinda always hope my Secret Santa is someone besides my parents or my lil brother or sister.. cuz they just plain suck at buying presents....
My older brother is all right.. he really thinks about what to buy and what I would really like/need/want etc.. but my mum bought me a memorystick last year, and a red crystal heart from Swarovski.... of course i don't complain, but.. seriously......... My little brother and sister could've gotten away with that.. Then it would've been a nice suggestion.. but... aww,, nevermind.

.Hmm.... what else, what else..
i've been meaning to keep my posts short =/ (not that it'd matter.. i doubt anyone reads this anyways :P But if you do happen to read this.... hi!)

oh and Merry Christmas to you of course! ;) even though this post wasn't exactly merry, I still wish you one of those perfect Christmas-night though :)

I like it.. :)

like what? i dunno.. anything, everything...

(except university though..)

[ i kinda like this picture ^^ i think it's my brother's hand... or.. mine..? uhhh i don't remember.. xD anywhoo....]

my thoughts the other day....
When you haven't talked to a person for only a few days, how do you tell them you missed him/her.. without sounding desperate..
how do you tell someone you're thankful for spending time with you, and that you enjoy their company, when all they do is having conversation with you.. without sounding lonely..

maybe you can't. i dunno, whatever.. anyway..

pff, went to the hospital today to visit my aunt.. bleh, she was on the same floor as my dad used to be, a few years back..
i remembered so many things from back then.. i think it's been like 7years now? I remember the lobby.. the hallways.. those hospital-doors and all the whiteness.. i remembered the elevators and even the coffee-machine that was in the lobby.. and that hospital-smell... pff
when I was walking through the hall, I kinda had this feeling over me.. i dunno what it was.. it was mostly just emptiness.. I wasn't sure what i was feeling, but i felt the chills...
When we left again, we walked down the staircase.. and I kinda had this flashback to when I was so little.. I used to run around all laughing and playing on the staircases, not fully aware that it was a hospital.. and the kind of things that go down there... Not realising the seriousness of hospitals..
I can't imagine walking around happy in a hospital now... it just makes me feel sad.. especially when I walk through the hall where all the patients lie.. all lying in bed, sleeping or in pain even.. and I was so afraid of talking, even walking too loud today..
in these kind of situations, I tend to close myself off.. and everything in my mind goes black.. I say as little as possible, and mostly just stand there, observing..

I don't have any bad experiences or anything with hospitals.. my dad got out fine.. my aunt is going to be fine.. but I guess it's just the fact that I've spent quite some time in this hospital in the past.. and I've forgotten all about it.
It just all came back today. It's not a bad thing btw..
I actually think it's always good to be reminded of things in the past.. you shouldn't try and forget things in the past, because the entire experience would have be in vain..

anyways.. yea.. that's what i felt today.. just got home, and just felt like getting it off my chest...

because more often than not, I don't know how to act like others would want me to..

after a while i often end up pushing people away with whom i've gotten close with..

i honestly don't know if i'm able to maintain a friendship or whatever, for a long period of time.. :S

argh,, how does it work..

seriously...... -_-'''

hmm,, made delicious pancakes some days back =D
flour, salt, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, egg yolks, beaten egg whites, and milk.. qué rico xD

Also made several attempts on Pasteis de Nata as well! but..damn.. I can't seem to make it right! :( Kinda figured out how it all works though,, just need to figure out the right amounts of ingredients..
My last batch was quite edible though :P My dad ate like 8 of them O.o and I made a few dozen of mini versions ^^
(yea, I like miniature versions of food.. hehe)

Well, I have my first real driving-lesson tomorrow! yaay! let's hope I won't hit a cow along the way :\

off to bed now, cuz the lesson is at 9.00 am for god's sake =.=
je suis très fatigue!

(in thoughts),
i kinda miss the long, late-night calls, never going a day without calling eachother.
the stupid and childish ways you used to tease me.
how you'd just hang up on me, in the middle of a conversation, just to see if i'd call you back.
that you turn away, acting like you don't care.
how you always tried to make me jealous.
and how I always fell for it.

..no actually, I don't really miss it that much =/



anywayy,, When you've been missing something in your life, and it's finally starting to look like your gonna get it again.. wouldn't you rush into it? try to make things go faster, and throwing urself into the deep..
(not talking about love or anything.. lol just in general. as far as this can be taken 'general' :S)

hmm.. not much else..
5 days left to make the decision about london :(

Ana Free (what else! :) ..no, not nespresso.... -_-'')

AAAHHH Ana's finally going to have her first actual performance in London!!! :D

I JUST saw it on her myspace, and i got suuuuperexcited!! ^^
i can barely focus enough to type anything sensible right now :D

I. REALLY. WANT. TO. GO!!!!!

aaahh can't waaaait the excitement.. i'm going to see how i can get to London the easiest/cheapest!

weeeeeeeee~

(shit i have to hand in an assignment tomorrow)

Wouldn't it be so cool to have Ana Free-guitarpicks?!
argh apparently you can have them made online..
I honestly wouldn't mind that much to order them, but I'd have to order them per 100! err.. 100 guitar picks.. O.o
I don't even play decent guitar! haha people would just think I'm insane for doing it..

anywaay.. since I'm already speaking of insanity, I'm honestly considering to go to Portugal again, in 3 months or so...?
i hooooope there won't be anything important at university, and I can leave without having to deal with consequences.

If i could leave around 18 Februari, or maybe 19 Februari, I can have my 2nd AnaFree concert! weeee ^^
I have a college-break the week after (23-27 Feb), so hopefully I can stay in Portugal for a week or so? :D hihi...
I could visit Lisbon again? go by train maybe, and this time i WILL visit Belém! hehe Pasteis de Nata (totally going to import at least a few dozen of those into the Netherlands.. pff :P)
aaaaand.. definitely visit Rico Prazer along the way, a new and upcoming icecream-store ;D
- "ice-cream,, in Februari?!?" ..yea who cares :P

So micaela.. if you're reading this..... haha ;)

pff,, i'm way ahead of myself again.. I might not even go at all.. but I really really really want tooooo~ :(
I'll start saving now, (like that'll work. lol I have no real income :P only my monthly student grant..) and behave really really good at home :D

*hi mom~ can I help you with anything? iron the clothes? vacuum clean? tidy my room? I'll even help out DAILY in the restaurant!!*

.ahum
so.. yea..

Mini Pastéis de Nata (kinda)

Aaahh I'm SOOO glad my exams are over!!
I think this was the only exam-week EVER, without having drunk any Red Bull :| ..which isn't necessarily a good thing! I must've fallen asleep while studying about 5 times last night... xD and during the exam of 90 LOOONG multiple-choice questions, I got so incredibly tired and sleepy and dull that I didn't really know what the hell I was reading anymore..... =.= The exam was so boring,like you won't believe! pff :P I felt like filling in 'B' for everything! (which i mostly did.. lol O.o)

Anyway.. The above picture was my attempt at some more mini-pastéis de nata.. Not NEARLY as good as the ones from Portugal. but I think I've found a recipe online that's quite accurate!!
Only thing is, they might taste alright, but they LOOK like.. omg.. they look gross xD

Ohhhh and in the tram yesterday night there were DEFINITELY 2 portuguese ladies sitting behind me!! ahahah so cool :P Im about 80% sure they were portuguese... I was kinda eavesdropping :$ and heard words like 'tudo' and 'nunca' and I don't remember what else :P anyway.. it wasn't Spanish, that's for sure. Think they were portuguese, living in Holland cuz every now and then they'd throw in a couple of Dutch words in their sentences :P

PELUCHE!!!!!

..anyways.. I'm pretty happy :P My cousin stopped by just now and gave me a belated birthday-present (which i didn't expect!)
I got a Guitar Hero III game for our Wii!! Including the Guitar which is a Gibson Les Pauls!! hehe wickedddd
I love it!! so much fun to play on it! hehe I've been wanting to buy GuitarHero for a while now,, sooo nice.. really glad with my gift ^^

well,, signing off for now i guess :)
x!

pre-filled&baked

Yea, I'm gonna stop with those crazy-long posts now, I think! Takes way too much time (time I don't have now my exams are coming up! ..no wait.. "coming up"?!? My exams are this week!! I HAVE 2 EXAMS ON THURSDAY!! =O)

..oh procrastination..... ~.~

anyways.. you know when you just drift off in your thoughts, and think about the one(s) you love and care about ..fun moments, moving moments, loving moments..
Right there, I felt a hole today.
Where normal people should've felt some kind of emotion (either feeling glad or sad or mad..), when thinking about these things, I felt nothing. Simply because there's nothing there..
Lately my life's kinda been like a long thread of sleeping and waking and sleeping and waking.. just continuing, waiting for something exciting to happen. ~.~
rarely does though..

well, it's 13.45 atm, think i'll get up now and take a shower, and try to finally give a go at studying (which'll probably be in vain, but whatever)!

All right, I have a theory..
about dreams (.. *sigh* :P)

.So, You know when you dream, it's like you're a complete different person and it's almost as if you're not really yourself, but at the same time, you are..?
.My theory is that we're all unconscious of our souls being active in 2 different worlds.. Two totally different places; One of them being this one: the one we are in now, while still being awake.
Now the other one is when we finally go to bed, fall asleep. That's when our soul 'jumps' to another place, and our other half will become active.. While we sleep over HERE, our other parts are awake and active THERE.. Vice versa, when THEY are asleep, WE are the ones that are awake and active.
The lives we live over there are just as real as the lives we live here. We just don't know about eachother; We only wake up remembering vague things about what just happened to our other half. This is where our dreams come from!

wouldn't it be so beautiful if it were true? in my opinion it's quite plausible actually! Imagine that the beautiful or reminiscent dreams you have, were actually more real than you ever would've thought! The dreams about someone you miss, dreams about who you really wanna be, dreams where you have no worries whatsoever..

so.., yea.. This all suddenly occurred to me while i was in the train, while trying to study. guess my thoughts drifted off :P
speaking of trains.. I love sitting in trains! especially international trains, where there are almost always foreign people with you in the compartment!
Few weeks back, there was a Portuguese guy and a girl sitting almost right next to me! (H)
and yesterday, there were 3 Spanish-speaking people too! omgod I love the way Spanish sounds.. ~.~ haha
anyways, one of those 3 Spaniards was a decent-looking senior and he kinda made me think of my grandfather..
He lived in Spain, but sometimes came over to the Netherlands to visit the family here.. He was the only grandfather I had, and he was pretty gifted in stuff too.. there was a lot I could have (and wanted to) learn from him.. Too bad it's too late for that now. I often find my mother saying 'yea, you're grandfather really knew how to do that well'.
Ahh well.. I guess every Spanish decent-looking senior will remind me of him. Which is a good thing, cuz I like being reminded of him since I probably don't think about him enough nowadays..

Anyways, getting so late already =.= agh I always write my stories at like 4am, or so it seems! pff.. exams are coming up too, and I hate that I have such gaps in between my driving-lessons.. It's been a week since my last one, and I don't have another lesson until the 13th! that sucks.. I love driving!

clouded situation

.. desperately clinging on to hope i guess

doesn't everyone struggle in life? Desperately trying to clasp onto the things that we want or have, in fear of losing it.. I'm talking about broken hearts, things we lose, or people even..
Your love for a person, your love for a thing, or your love for life; I think we all keep struggling in the fight of holding on to those valued things..
If not experiencing these fights in our own lives, we always see them happening somewhere around us -mostly everywhere around us- to the people next to us...

kinda dealing with a family situation right now.. Well.. the situation hasn't really started yet, but it's about to.. just giving it some thought, and trying to keep my thoughts as positive as possible about it...
blabla.. anyways..

On a somewhat brighter topic, I had a pretty funny dream a while back! well not funny necessarily, but pretty cool if it were reality (A) and.. weird =/
[Okay, since this was a few days ago, I might not portrait the situation as accurate as when it was still fresh in my mind.. but here's the dream:]

* after-EDIT: I decided to give you a summary of my dream.. cuz it was getting SO long.. and weird for you to read too, when you don't really know me in person :P

So apparently I found a secret (free!) short-cut to Portugal!! (god if only such a thing were possible in reality!! ;)) In my dream I climbed onto the rooftops here in NL.. KEPT ON WALKING, and eventually (after some dangerous jumping-over-open-parts and narrow-parts-to-walk-over O.o), there'd be a steep white old concrete stairway that I'd descent, and arrive in Porugal! just like that :P
anyway, found Ana Free's house there, won a brown bracelet from her (eh.. yea, don't ask :P) Ate spaghetti in my dream as well.. and even got hired in that same Italian restaurant to help out with waiting! O.o haha it was weird.. *sigh*

actually, compared to my other dreams, on a craziness-scale of 1-10 this was about a 3 probably.. it was nothing really, haha I always have the WEIRDEST dreams!! you can't imagine,, I even had a dream where I was a fugutive with Will Smith, being chased by the SWAT-team and dozens of police-cars and helicopters..... so much action in that dream :D so cool; I was driving too! And Will Smith was screaming!

...This is why i don't believe in the "dreams have a deeper meaning"-crap :p

ahh.. such a lame-ass rant about.. nothing.

Ana Free, Porto concert

damnit.. x_X

If only I could fly.. or smuggle myself into Portugal before coming Saturday.. or could be rich!

- So the facts are these: Someone invited me to join her and some others to go to Ana's coming concert at Festival da Juventude in Vendas Novas, Portugal.. Of course my excitations started welling up, as I searched for the cheapest planetickets available! but of course everything is way too expensive, dangit.. -_-''
Cheapest I could find for a flight this last-minute, was at about 350 euros i think.. :S without having included any hotel-costs yet too =/

*sigh* you cannot imagine my frustration.. More than anything in the world at this moment, would I want to attend this coming concert and spend some quality time in Portugal.. Spend some cool cool times with the people I'd go to the concert with, meet Ana again, and eating some HEAVENLY Pasteis de Nata again.. T-T
I'd kill to go to Portugal again!! - ok i wouldn't actually kill.. but I'd be willing to push them really really hard! =O

On a sidenote, the above shown picture was taken by Martinha. (only know her first name :P)
Doesn't it look so professionally taken?! Like it's ripped right out of a magazine! :) Awesome.
Taken at the concert in Sala 114, in Porto, where she handed out mini-pasteis de nata!! for crying out loud!! :| argh
see my frustration?! God is throwing salt into my wounds.. Feel like I'm missing out on so many things just by living in this.. this... blaaaaa~

well, that's enough complaining for 1 day I think..
have my second driving-lesson tomorrow morning! kinda excited for it (and scared, lol.. he keeps telling me to speed up xD)
hmm.. driving-lesson is from 9 to 10, but I have a pretty important lecture from 10 to 12! :S so kinda bummed out that I won't make it to the lecture..
Because of the 1,5 - 2 hours of traveling time from my hometown to my university, I might even miss out on my Spanish class at 12.30, which is important also, cuz I can't miss too many classes (but i already did :$)

Anyways, I'm getting lazy lazy lazy..
Gotta jump into those massive books soon!
blablabla, Ciaoo~

caged in

I had a dream a few days back.
It basically showed me I was slowing down everyone around me.. myself as well.
Made me wonder if I did. I know I tend to slow myself down, when I can go faster in life. The slow road is easier and more comforting, and mostly more secure. Even though I know I'm younger than most around me at school, I still feel a pressure to do everything as quick as possible, and that my mind wants me to hurry the hell up with everything. No time or space for mistakes and I need to get to where I wanna be by tomorrow.
Im not receiving this pressure from my family-members though. They know it wouldn't work to pressurize someone, so it's not because of them.. On the inside, I think I want to accomplish things for myself. But when I soberly think it through, what's the purpose of all those accomplishments really? I still am who I am, and still act the way I do.. The things I accomplish are only superficial because in my current perspective, your accomplishments only impress those who don't know you. The ones that do, know who you are; they know how smart you are, how you act the way you do, and most importantly: they know the inner-side of you.

Looking at my situation, I don't think anyone actively knows the real me. I open up easily towards people I don't really know and people who I'll probably never see again, because I know I won't have to act up to their expectations. There won't be a single pressure.. I get to be me. and not care about the results of being that.

I do feel the eyes that keep monitoring me though. Unconscious as it may be, they hope for early succes, no mistakes, no flaws and no delays. Maybe those eyes are my own, maybe they're from others, but the pressure has always been there.
Partly, that's why I want to go abroad. Preferably alone and - I realise that now- without anyone that knows the current me.
this is gonna sound so cheesy: 'to see if I can get to know the real me.'

ew.

I just want an opportunity to see if I can be who I wanna be

Bull's lucky balls?!

Picture was taken in Milan, at Galleria Vittorio Emanuele.
What we didn't know then, was that you were supposed to put your heel in it, and spin around a few times.. brings you lots of luck apparently..
darn, if only I'd have known sooner! :(

I remember my little brother asking me what this image meant.. I actually stood there stunned.. I actually thought someone had stolen the bull's testicles.. How the hell could I know that you were supposed to shuv your foot in it, and twist around in it O.o
in my humble opinion, it's one of the weirdest ways to gain luck.. But who knows, it might have a really interesting story behind it..

anyway,, If anyone who reads this should ever visit Milan, and Galleria Vittorio Emanuele.. Go ahead and do a little pirouette in the bull's you-know-what! :)

Christmas-dessert of 2007

I'm in the mood for Christmas!
Great atmostphere, awesome food, and quality time with the family!

Picture above was the Christmas-dessert for 2007 in our restaurant.. Chocolat, vanilla and chocolate-sauce.. (there was an alternative for the non-chocolate customers: Strawberry and Vanilla, with some fruit and stawberry-sauce)
I'm just trying to come up with a new dessert for this year...

OOH! Thanksgiving.. damn, it's a shame we don't have that in the Netherlands! O.o I'll put that on my life-list as well.. to have a true thanksgiving-dinner.. with a big-ass turkey and everything ^^

..I like food too much -.-

Trying to live a healthier life?

Ahh, my latest favorite food/snack/breakfast/whatever.
yoghurt with fruit.. lots of fruit.
- it's easy, healthy, and yummy!
(could fit right into a commercial-ad)
"containing kiwi, orange, banana, and strawberries!"
(picture quality is kinda sucky.. taken with a phone-camera)

aanyway. not much to report here..
haha slept till 16.30 today =.= first decent night-sleep since Milan..

and I started taking driving-lessons.. about time! hehe
stupid thing though,, first 6 hours are simulator-lessons :S It's like a friggin video-game! You're supposed to sit in the simulator, and everything you see is all animated. (I kinda hit a pole when I was driving in that thing, but there was no reaction at all.. like i drove straight through it; If only it were like that in reallife too :P)

Anyway, two more blocks in the stupid simulator which will be on monday and friday, and then.. AAHH the real driving-lessons begin! yeasshh ^^

ahh, not much left to say.. off to watch some Scrubs then :P
x

Milan - Orio al Serio Aeroporto [approx. 08.30]

I went to visit Milan on Wednesday 15th of October 2008.. After having visited London and Lisbon not too long ago, where I had the greatest time, I had my hopes pretty high for Milan too I guess. I might have expected too much from it though, or maybe we just didn't visit the right places :P cuz it was kind of a disappointment..
In my opinion, nothing will ever compare with London and Lisbon anymore.. hehe those 2 trips were amazing!
But it's always fun to walk around in an unfamiliar city and just wander around, wasting time. Plan to do it more often!

It was fun though! According to the SonyEriccson's pedometer, we've took more than 23.000 Milan-steps and god, could I feel it at the end of the day! -.-
we went to a FNAC-store, and I sat down in a sofa that was comfortable as hell!! (those sofa's they put in front of one of their big-ass tv's.. genius ^^)
anyway,, kinda fell asleep in one of them! :$ haha luckily I had my mom already sitting next to me,, imagine me waking up next to a random Italian guy all of a sudden 0_0 bwaha

Besides the most obvious thing -Shopping- we ate Italian food (yummy :)), drank plenty of espresso's to survive the 24 hours in Milan, and ate Italian ice-cream ^^ it was good.. :) but tiring as hell!

Ana Free, MusicBox concert

Visited Ana Free's concert in Lisbon at 12 September 2008. It was Ana Free with her beautiful Emmylou Harris :P featuring DJ Decryption with his excellent piano- and beatboxing skills!
They were rocking the show like you won't believe ;) I had the most amazing time and it was so much fun!
I was in Portugal from 10 till 13 September, which was not as long as I would've wanted it to be, but enough to do all the things I wanted to do!
I have a new love in my life: Pasteis de Nata <3 It's a Portuguese custard tart, which tasts.. omg, SO amazing!!

We must've walked like 20.000 steps a day (we actually almost did, according to the Pedometer on my brother's SonyEriccson! :P) and got to enjoy some Portuguese food! Though I didn't know anyone there, and didn't have any guides to show us the coolest things about Lisbon, we had a LOT of fun, and visited some nice places :D

I'm yearning to go back as soon as possible! visit and meet the Portuguese friends I've met since the concert.. Every single one of them have been so nice, and willing to help!
It's amazing. it also strikes me that, pretty much everyone from the - let's call it "Ana Free - fan community", are all so nice and open O.o
Maybe I've just become pessimistic about the human nature, but I've been starting to think that a LOT of people act cold-hearted on the outside, so that first impression you'd get from them is extremely distant. (maybe i'm just talking about myself -.-)
I'm still positive that everyone is kind-hearted on the inside though! I do believe in the good nature of man-kind :P always have! but i know for a fact that some people tend to build a wall between themselves and the ones they care about,,, afraid something will go wrong or that they'll mess something up.. afraid of not being accepted.. just, afraid to open up to people, step up and show the world, you know?

..ah anyway. bottom line is that i wanna go back to portugal =) I loved it there, and want to re-experience everything! I found out there's an elective at uni, where they teach you the basics of Portuguese.. goes without saying that I'm gonna enroll for that elective! :D very excited, but still have to finish my Spanish electives though..

ah I should stop. get some sleep =.=
Milan tomorrow! yes :) oneday-trip with the family, it's going to be crazy!

Humongous Peluche!! <3

One-day trip to London with the family!
ahh,, So incredibly exhausting, but had SUCH an amazing time! walking around London city ALL day long.. having an authentic English breakfast (err,, yea.. we had to try it at least once :P) visiting Harrods (where this photo was taken), hanging and sleeping at the Starbucks at St Pancras railway station,,, pff
Would love to do that again!