caged in

I had a dream a few days back.
It basically showed me I was slowing down everyone around me.. myself as well.
Made me wonder if I did. I know I tend to slow myself down, when I can go faster in life. The slow road is easier and more comforting, and mostly more secure. Even though I know I'm younger than most around me at school, I still feel a pressure to do everything as quick as possible, and that my mind wants me to hurry the hell up with everything. No time or space for mistakes and I need to get to where I wanna be by tomorrow.
Im not receiving this pressure from my family-members though. They know it wouldn't work to pressurize someone, so it's not because of them.. On the inside, I think I want to accomplish things for myself. But when I soberly think it through, what's the purpose of all those accomplishments really? I still am who I am, and still act the way I do.. The things I accomplish are only superficial because in my current perspective, your accomplishments only impress those who don't know you. The ones that do, know who you are; they know how smart you are, how you act the way you do, and most importantly: they know the inner-side of you.

Looking at my situation, I don't think anyone actively knows the real me. I open up easily towards people I don't really know and people who I'll probably never see again, because I know I won't have to act up to their expectations. There won't be a single pressure.. I get to be me. and not care about the results of being that.

I do feel the eyes that keep monitoring me though. Unconscious as it may be, they hope for early succes, no mistakes, no flaws and no delays. Maybe those eyes are my own, maybe they're from others, but the pressure has always been there.
Partly, that's why I want to go abroad. Preferably alone and - I realise that now- without anyone that knows the current me.
this is gonna sound so cheesy: 'to see if I can get to know the real me.'

ew.

I just want an opportunity to see if I can be who I wanna be