I only ask for the things i really really want. I'm reluctant to ask for something i dont need or want badly. So the times i do get turned down, i feel absolutely crushed.
It drives me crazy to feel so small in my life. so dependant and powerless and helpless.. but if i'd try to change that, change my lifestyle, i'd be anguished by the fact that i'm leaving my family behind.. would i come across as selfish? i just know i wouldnt be able to walk that fine line where you have everything in balance..
On the other hand, if i'd try to stay here, lay low forever, i'd be forcing myself to live in anguish as well, by the smothering routines of living and working in a small village 24/7.
what the hell happened to my dreams of going abroad. its been 3years since highschool and i've still achieved nothing. i havent even studied abroad yet, havent done anything proper. no suave diplomas i can show off, no job, no achievements.
its easy to dream.. making them come true is an entirely different story!
and if i'd leave this place, where would I go? and what would i do...
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